RANKING ALL THE NATIONAL LAMPOON VACATION MOVIES

It's summer. It's vacation time. So let's take a look at the 6-films in the National Lampoon Vacation series. This is a ranking and (mostly) brief review of each movie. My opinions, of course. 

6. NATIONAL LAMPOON’S CHRISTMAS VACATION 2: COUSIN EDDIE’S ISLAND ADVENTURE  

Cousin Eddie (Randy Quaid) and his family (including Miriam Flynn, Jake Thomas, and Edward Asner) are bound for a vacation in the South Pacific, but a storm shipwrecks them on an island. 

Amateurish, cheap (it was released direct-to-video), and slapdash, Christmas Vacation 2 might be even worse than Vacation 2015, but I’m willing to award the former a few brownie points. There’s one scene that almost manages to be funny involving Cousin Eddie and a bathtub. The scene recalls to mind a classic Three Stooges short involving broken water pipes that Curly desperately tries to mend. The short, A Plumbing We Will Go, is 23 trillion light years better, but in a movie like Christmas Vacation 2, a movie so bereft of laughs, at least the bathtub scene is SOMETHING. 

Christmas Vacation 2 also gets points for bringing back the first (and in my opinion the best) Audrey, played by Dana Barron, from the original Vacation; Eric Idle, arbitrarily returning from European Vacation, gets some near-funny business; and Randy Quaid, my favorite of the Quaid brothers (truthfully), gets to take center stage. I always found Randy Quaid to be a genuinely unique actor, actually best in dramatic roles (see The Last Detail), and he really shined brightly as Cousin Eddie in the Vacation series. 

But how much is too much?  Christmas Vacation 2 demonstrates that Cousin Eddie was the character equivalent of a very rich chocolate mousse dessert. Consider it an experience tantamount to fine dining. You sit through a terrific meal, enjoying every bite, but waiting expectantly for your dessert to arrive. When it does, you’re all too eager to devour the luxuriant chocolate mousse. But it comes in a small bowl. The perfect size for something so decadent. Eat too much of the indulgent dessert and you’ll spend the night hovering over a slippery toilet seat, puking it into the bowl. 

That’s what Christmas Vacation 2 is: up-chucked chocolate mousse from a much better dinner.  

5. VACATION (2015) 

Following in the grand family tradition of eschewing air travel, a now grown-up Rusty Griswold (Ed Helms) takes his wife (Christina Applegate) and two sons on a cross-country trip to Walley World. 

Few films have so woefully misunderstood the elements that made the original so beloved. Vacation 2015 thinks gross-out humor and shit jokes yield instant guffaws. They do, but only if they’re FUNNY, which almost NOTHING in this trash heap is. It’s equally soul-deadening to see Chevy Chase and Beverly D’Angelo slum it with this inferior, fading Xerox of their classic. 

And poor Chris Hemsworth. He’s one of the select few to emerge from this wreckage mostly unscathed. Unfortunately, the unrelenting waves of trite lameness from a moronic, dull script eventually drag Thor under too. 

Vacation 2015 is a movie that does everything wrong, except prove Ed Helms cannot carry a film himself. The only bit that made me laugh, a riff on the Christie Brinkley-Ferrari Girl from the original, was spoiled in the trailer. A teachable moment for hack filmmakers: don’t waste your only funny business in the trailer, if the rest of your movie is wretchedly unfunny. 

4. NATIONAL LAMPOON’S EUROPEAN VACATION

After appearing on a game show, Clark and the rest of the Griswolds (misspelt in the film as Griswalds) win an all-expenses paid vacation around Europe. 

I always felt that European Vacation was so painfully unfunny that the Blu-ray should come with a prescription for Vicodin. I still do, and it remains my least favorite of the Chevy Chase fronted installments.

Unsure of exactly what it should do or be, European Vacation leans too heavily on the template set by the original. The sequel copies its predecessor’s structure by simply switching out the specifics: the Italian Alps replace the Grand Canyon; an orange Volkswagen, not the garish family roadster; befuddled German relatives instead of the intra-bred Cousin Eddie clan.  

Despite a faded and washed-out color palette, European Vacation looks competently made. But the worst script of the original 4-films mostly maims director Amy Heckerling (also the director of Clueless and Fast Times at Ridgemont High). The screenplay is a travelogue of hackneyed sketches, poking fun at the ignorance of American tourists and the rudeness or amiability of the locals they encounter. (The French are rude! The British are friendly! The steering wheel is on the wrong side of the car! Ha! Ha! Ha!). Incredibly, the movie seems to believe that these are fresh, revelatory observations. 

Less of a chore to pick out the good bits, they are sadly spread out far and wide: Chase’s interactions with Idle, as an overly-agreeable Brit who Clark accidentally inflicts recurring bodily harm on, has spark to it; John Astin’s fleeting cameo as an amorous game show host won’t sit well with today’s PC club, but is more in keeping with the naughty, more than slightly nasty, comedy of the Lampoon. 

Beverly D’Angelo always shines as Ellen, not only in her electric chemistry with Chase, but her ability to be both sexy and silly. The less said about Euro-Rusty and Euro-Audrey the better. Though not fault of the actors (Jason Lively and Dana Hill), these Griswold offspring are probably the least likable in the series. They’ve been transformed into crass, self-absorbed, and sex-addicted. The screenplay hobbles them into two-dimensional stereotypes.  

The conceit of European Vacation makes sense and is fertile. Clark, the square, uncultured, and slightly self-important All-American, seems like the ideal character to ship off to Europe. A reasonable set-up for a fish-out-of-water counterpart to the original Vacation. And yet a weak script lets it all burn down. Worse it’s clear that Chase knows the movie isn’t working; that he’s trying to be funny in a burning house.

While not the worst in the Vacation series, this is one time I wish the Griswolds just stayed home.

3. VEGAS VACATION 

Clark takes his family to Las Vegas so that he and Ellen can renew their wedding vows. 

Truly love something and you’ll forgive its faults, even accept them. That how I feel about Vegas Vacation. I have no issue admitting that my nostalgia for it clouds my judgment of it. I accept what it is: a watered-down, bowdlerized version of the original. I accept that the script lacks the ingenuity and sparking laughs of other installments. And yes, it’s a little demoralizing to watch a graying Chevy Chase attempt to get back into the rhyme of Clark Griswold. I accept all of that. But I still love it. 

Vegas Vacation lacks a distinctive style or aesthetic, and at times there’s desperation to recapture what came before (long before, actually — 8 years separated this and the previous film, Christmas Vacation.) But it’s still an enjoyable ride. While not as acerbic as  its earlier counterparts, Vegas Vacation might actually be the darkest of all the Vacation movies. 

Consider in the span of an hour and a half: Clark develops a gambling addiction; Ellen becomes so sexually aroused by Wayne Newton that she nearly enters into an affair; Rusty gets pally with potentially mobbed-up high rollers; and Audrey starts go-go dancing in a cage (at a club her brother frequents). 

Intermingling with these dark turns is a surreal, dream-like undercurrent:  Wayne Newton, the Vegas icon, plays a sinister, lecherous version of himself, determined to win Ellen Griswold; brought up on stage during Siegfried and Roy’s magic act, Clark vanishes into thin air, only to reappear at the show’s end surrounded by white tigers; and as if conjured during a fever dream, Cousin Eddie cooks raw chicken on hot desert stones. The surrealism acts as a counterpoint to effectively lighten up the darkness, but creates a very trippy ride. 

An off-beat cast feathers out the film. Newton has fun skewering his “nice-guy” persona. Julia Sweeney has a small but memorable turn as a very conscientious Mirage Hotel clerk. Wallace Shawn steals scene after scene as Clark’s nemesis, a vindictive blackjack dealer. 

Marisol Nichols and Ethan Embry are the most underrated Audrey and Rusty. They invest their characters with relatability without sacrificing amiability. Embry is best when goofball Rusty has assumed the persona of Nick Pappagiorgio, a big-spender from Yuma. Nichols tastefully enacts Audrey’s transformation from a good-girl on her parents’ vacation to free spirit dancing atop the Vegas lights. Miriam Flynn returns as Cousin Catherine and, fortunately for us, gets more screen time. 

Also back is Quaid, who gets to play Eddie at his most sleazy and most white-trash. He’s proud of his trailer-home in the desert (built on a “beautiful” piece of government land, previously used for H-Bomb testing), and his kids are thriving (his daughter Vicki is a successful stripper, thanks in part to “moves” Eddie taught her.) 

Beverly D’Angelo gets a juicy storyline as Ellen faces the many allures and temptations of Wayne Newton. While not Chase’s best go-around as Clark, he still generates plenty of laughs. His finest scenes are with Shawn and/or Quaid, particularly as Clark’s gambling addiction becomes stronger and harder to shake off. 

If you think it soils cinema to call Vegas Vacation a “film”, then I guess you weren’t lucky enough to grow up in the early-to-mid 00s. That was a magical time when the film was shown ubiquitously on TV. I feel sad that you cannot enjoy the peculiar phantasmagoria that is Vegas Vacation.

2. NATIONAL LAMPOON’S VACATION 

Clark Griswold takes his family on a hijinks-filled roadtrip to Walley World

Vacation devotees typically fall into two categories: those who prefer the original, and those who prefer Christmas Vacation. I am part of the later, but I have no quarrel with members of the former. 

There’s a reason National Lampoon’s Vacation begat a franchise that spans four decades. It’s one of the funniest films ever made, with a cast so eerily perfect for the characters they brought to life and rendered iconic. Several key components are vital to the success of the original film. 

Of course, there’s Chevy Chase. He will always be Clark Griswold. Chevy is Clark. Griswold is Chase. Every touch, every sneer, every lilt of his head is spot-on. He speaks Clark’s lines as if no other actor could have. Chase does something magical with Clark, making the Griswold patriarch relatable and lovable, even when Clark acts like a disgusting sack of shit. 

In the original Vacation, Clark is a pretty despicable guy: He tries coax oral sex from his wife as his children sleep in the back seat; fakes remorse for (accidentally) killing a golden retriever; and hops naked into a swimming pool with Christie Brinkley, ready to engage in all sorts of underwater infidelity. And this is why Clark remains Chase’s signature character: in spite of any indiscretions, we still love Clark Griswold, we root for his success, and pay money to see more of him in sequel after sequel. 

But Chase doesn’t carry the film on his own. The other actors in the family roadster are equally important to the film’s (and franchise’s) longevity. Chase, Beverly D’Angelo, Anthony Michael Hall, and Dana Barron create something so rare and near mystical: the illusion that they are a real family. That there exists long history between them, full of life lived and memories created. One almost believes that other vacations existed before this one, but we just didn’t get to see them. It’s a powerful illusion bolstered by the actors. 

Throughout every turn as Ellen Griswold, Beverly D’Angelo never performs as a comedienne; she’s an actress. She is the one and only Ellen Griswold. Many actors played the Griswold siblings, but none were better than Anthony Michael Hall and Dana Barron. They feel most like siblings; they are more than one dimensional bickerers in the back seat. Look to a scene where a teary-eyed Audrey begs Clark to take them home. Rusty wraps a comforting arm around his little sister, and pulls her close. A tiny moment that adds such texture to their relationship; a texture that creates this illusion that they are what they pretend to be. 

Give credit too to director Harold Ramis. Not only did he assemble this group of actors, but he is so unselfish in his direction. This is only his second directorial output (after Caddyshack). Ramis never calls attention to his direction or camera, allowing the actors and the comedy to get the focus. He’s wholly committed to the brand of humor the film strikes for, courtesy of the unwavering script from John Hughes. 

The comedy is hard, acidic, unflinching, and at times proudly cruel. This is a movie that has the main character strapping a dead old woman to the luggage rack of his car; a joke about a father (Cousin Eddie) tongue-kissing his young daughter; and a motorcycle cop heading back to scrape the carcass of Dinky the dog off the highway. Ramis has the confidence and comedic acumen to get this all to play and remain appealing. (The only scene which doesn’t is an unfortunate one involving a crime-ridden St. Louis street — Ramis disavowed it.) 

National Lampoon’s Vacation has endured for close to 40 years thanks to the combined talents of the cast, director, crew, and writer. The Citizen Kane of roadtrip films, and for many, one of the pillars of 80s comedies. 

1. NATIONAL LAMPOON’S CHRISTMAS VACATION

Clark Griswold is determined to give his family an old-fashioned Christmas, even as everything goes wrong around him. 

National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation is one of the greatest movies ever made. It transcends the series and into our culture: A house festooned with too many Christmas lights is a “Griswold house”; 10-year-olds bop about on Christmas Day wearing “Shitter’s Full” t-shirts; and who else has a relative that recites the Pledge of Allegiance every Christmas Eve? Whether you celebrate the holiday or not, Christmas Vacation is a nondenominational experience for all. 

Much of the film’s magic stems from its marvelous script. Most associate John Hughes with his teen-comedies (Sixteen Candles, The Breakfast Club), but he is the real progenitor of the Vacation films. Hughes was a writer for the National Lampoon magazine. He adapted his short story “Vacation ’58” into the screenplay for the original film. He’s one of two credited writers for European Vacation, but his association was by default. Unused material from Vacation was retrofitted by Robert Klane into the sequel script. By the time a third installment came about, Hughes was initially uninterested. However, he had another Lampoon short story, “Christmas ’59”. This became his basis for Christmas Vacation. 

Hughes’s script is remarkable in deftly amalgamating subversive Lampoon humor with genuine pathos. But Hughes never allows the story to become so sugary that it rots cavities into the film’s fangs: Clark still goes bugfuck crazy in a profanity-rich rant; a cat still gnaws on electrical cords, imploding into furry gossamer; and the attic scene, where a misty-eyed Clark watches home movies of Christmases past, still ends with Clark falling out of the attic. It’s a Herculean balancing act of disparate tones. 

Hughes’s screenplay is further elevated by the cast. The script provides Chase the opportunity to give his most layered performance as Clark, and he does beautifully. D’Angelo, despite having less to do, is still excellent. Christmas Vacation remains the best showcase for Quaid’s Cousin Eddie. Johnny Galecki and Juliette Lewis create very unique interpretations of their characters: Galecki plays an almost world-weary Rusty, disgusted and exasperated by the buffoonery of the adults. Lewis plays the most understated Audrey; she looks thoroughly embarrassed to be there, like she’d rather be anywhere else. 

For those of us who love old character actors, Christmas Vacation is the best holiday gift. You have greats like William Hickey, Diane Ladd, Doris Roberts, John Randolph, E.G. Marshall, and even the voice of Betty Boop, Mae Questel. Also remarkable about the film, you can watch it at any time of the year and it’s just as good as when Jack Frost is nipping at your nose. (I can attest — I recently revisited it the day after July 4th.) 

You can identify some specific ingredients that make a film so special, like a terrific script or talented actors. But some movies just have that indescribable X-factor; that sip from the Fountain of Youth that blesses them immortality. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation is certainly one of the blessed. Or as Uncle Lewis would say, “THE BLESS-SSING!!” 

-T.Z. 

"FREE ANDRE CHECKS IN TROUBLE"

A favorite movie type from my childhood was the “animal/kid team-up”. It’s a quasi-genre that brings back many happy memories of VHSes, video stores, and check-out lines at supermarkets, which were often lined with these kinds of movies. The “animal-kid team-up” is what it sounds like. A story that pairs up a kid (or kids) with some member of the animal kingdom. The kid and the animal form a bond, and through this friendship, the kid grows and matures. Some classic examples are Lassie Come Home and that perennial tear-yanker, Old Yeller. 

I don’t know if they really make this genre any more. Maybe the omnipresence of Air Buddies spin-offs diluted the market to a point of collapse. Nick and I decided to look back at some “animal/kid team-up” movies from the 90s. 

 

First up, Nick and I chat about the film we feel represents the apotheosis of the genre: Free Willy. It’s a movie we grew up with and watched over and over again into adulthood. Unless you’ve been under a rock since 1993, Free Willy is the story of an orphaned runaway who befriends a captive killer whale. Starring Jason James Richter, Lori Petty, August Schellenberg, and Michael Madsen. 

Next we dive into a film that’s probably the least well known of the four we discuss in this episode. Andre is based on the true story of a little girl who rescues, raises, and befriends an orphaned seal pup. While neither Nick or myself watched Andre in many, many years, we both remembered when we first saw it. During rainy days at Mackay Elementary School, us kids remained inside the school gym for recess. The lunch ladies, no doubt in a desperate attempt to keep us quiet, would show movies on a big, boxy TV. Andre was one they’d frequently “screen” for us. 

Mackay School was a very, very long time, and we couldn’t recall many specifics about the movie. After rewatching it for the first time in years, Nick and I were both happily stunned by what excellent quality Andre is. (We were equally surprised by how dramatic and serious it also was.) Starring Tina Majorino, Keith Carradine, and Joshua Jackson. 

We briefly discussed Dunston Checks In, that whimsical fable about an orangutan’s “hilarious” misadventures in an upscale Manhattan hotel, on the podcast before. They often advertised it at the start of many VHS tapes that we owned. But amazingly, neither of us watched it until the start of this year. We go into far more detail about Dunston Checks In, marveling at the impressive cast, which includes everyone from Faye Dunaway to Jason Alexander to Paul Reubens aka Pee-wee Herman. 

Lastly, a film quixotically called Monkey Trouble. We never heard of this film, and only watched it because of the poster: Thora Birch in a backwards hat, looking thunderstruck at a pick-pocket monkey, showing off his stolen watches. That’s really all the summary you need to know. Besides Thora Birch, the cast somehow includes Mean Street’s Harvey Keitel, who spends much of the film bedecked as a pirate. 

We had great fun reminiscing, ranting, analyzing, and killing time talking about these films. We hope you check out the episode. 

-T.Z. 

RECOMMENDATIONS: 5 DOCUMENTARIES ABOUT SHOWBIZ PEOPLE

I love a good documentary. Here are 5 documentaries, each about the lives and careers of showbiz people, from Maggie Smith to Conan O'Brien. Rather than long verbose reviews, I've tried to keep things direct, short and punchy. These are capsule reviews of each documentary. 

Conan O’Brien Can’t Stop 

Funny and strangely emotional documentary about O’Brien’s cross-country comedy tour following his axing from the Tonight Show in 2011. Fans of O’Brien will love the behind the scenes peek at his mental state, the inner workings of the tour, and eventual reemergence as TBS late-night host. Not likely to convert any Jay Leno devotees. Would have benefitted from showing more of the actual tour show. CAST: Conan O’Brien, Andy Richter, Sona Movsesian. DIRECTOR: Rodman Flender. 

Tea with the Dames (aka Nothing Like a Dame) 

Four legendary actresses and old friends gather for drinks to gossip, reminisce, talk a little trash, and reflect on their film careers, theatre, Shakespeare, damehood, Laurence Olivier, and hearing aides. Endlessly re-watchable, charming and even bawdy, a great insight and historical preservation, not just about the four women, but the bygone world and business that begat them. Wish the film had been longer. CAST: Dame Maggie Smith, Dame Judi Dench, Dame Eileen Atkins, Dame Joan Plowright. DIRECTOR: Roger Michell.

The Super Dave Osborne Movie 

A great meta-bio about the late Bob Einstein (Curb Your Enthusiasm’s Marty Funkhauser). This self-aware and informal documentary traces Einstein’s incredible career and life, from growing up in a showbiz family, to the death of his father (live on the radio), to becoming a variety show producer, and finally a much-beloved, off-beat comedian. Larry David, Steve Martin, Albert Brooks (Bob’s brother), and many more share tales about him. Director Danny Gold constructs a movie that captures and permeates Einstein’s humor and personality. CAST: Bob Einstein, Sarah Silverman, David Letterman. DIRECTOR: Danny Gold.

Dreams with Sharp Teeth 

Acerbic and mercurial, but also immensely talented and prolific, the late writer Harlan Ellison is an ideal subject for a documentary.  An author of more than 1,700 short stories, novellas, screenplays, teleplays (including the much revered episode of Star Trek, "The City on the Edge of Forever"), and essays, Ellison became equally known for his wild antics and brawling with studios and producers. (He once mailed a dead gopher through fourth-class mail to a publisher during a contract dispute.) A shame that at times his personality overshadowed his talent. Fortunately, this excellent flick cracks open Ellison’s public character and persona, allowing a better look at the complex, endearing human within. CAST: Harlan Ellison, Robin Williams, Neil Gaiman. DIRECTOR: Erik Nelson.  

The Boys: The Sherman Brothers’ Story 

The legendary Sherman Brothers composed many Disney classics and toe-tappers (The Jungle Book, Mary Poppins, “It’s a Small World"). In their personal lives, they had a strained relationship and rarely spoke in later years. No jolly holiday. The film delves into their childhood, musical influences, and time working with Uncle Walt. While the movie does shy away from expounding upon the exact source of their estrangement, it doesn’t affect the overall the experience. The film is packed with plenty of revelatory backstory that the directors (Gregory Sherman and Jeffrey Sherman, sons of Richard and Robert, respectively) don’t need to air out the family secrets. This one is catnip for Disneyphiles and music lovers. CAST: Richard M. Sherman, Robert B. Sherman. 

-T.Z. 

FATHER'S DAY WITH THE THREE STOOGES

It’s ironic that Shemp Howard always makes me think of my father. Though Dad is such a die-hard Curly fan, the first Three Stooges movies he ever showed me were three Shemp shorts, compiled on a late 80s VHS. I still have the VHS somewhere in my garage. Luckily, all three shorts are free on YouTube (and in pretty decent quality). 

Now I’m not going to wade into the hotly contested debate that all Stooge fans have: Curly vs. Shemp. Curly was one of the most brilliant comedians ever. Anyone with the unfortunate task of replacing him would have a rough time in comparison. Shemp was a very funny comedian, whose style is uniquely his own. Comparisons with Curly are unfair. 

Shemp-shorts get smacked down for being inferior to the Curly ones. There’s some truth to it; they’re generally not as good. But the fault doesn’t lie with Shemp. Budget cuts, a change in directors, and the advancing ages of the Stooges are really the factors contributing to some decrease in overall quality. And another factor: Shemp was dead for the making of several shorts. Shemp died unexpectedly at the age of 60 in a taxi cab with some friends. (When I lived in LA, I attempted to drive the approximate route the cab took that fateful night). 

Columbia Pictures, which produced the Stooges shorts, promised 8 shorts to exhibitors for 1956, but only 4 were completed by the time of Shemp’s demise. Studio boss Harry Cohn turned down Moe’s offer to refigure the act into “The Two Stooges”. Instead, new shorts were created by recycling old footage, mixing in new footage, and using a Shemp-lookalike, Joe Palma, to fill in the gaps. 

These shorts run the gamut from cleverly constructed to shoddy patchwork. As a lover of bizarre trash, I happen to find these recycled shorts completely fascinating. In fact, all three on the aforementioned VHS are recycled remakes of earlier films. The second half of Husbands Beware comes from the most famous Shemp short, Brideless Groom, best remembered for the immortal line, “hold hands you lovebirds.” 

In the first half, Shemp marries Moe and Larry off to his tyrannical sisters, who force the boys to make them dinner. (In order to pluck the turkey, Moe and Larry lather the bird up with shaving cream, then give it the once-over with a straight razor.) The second half pilfers from Brideless Groom completely. Moe and Larry have just a few hours to get Shemp married, so he can inherit his uncle’s fortune. While slightly bifurcated, it’s a very funny short that shows off Shemp’s very singular verbal and facial reactions. He takes several very real punches, slaps, and whacks from Stooge regular, Christine McIntyre. 

The second short on the VHS, Musty Musketeers, also recycles from an earlier film, Fiddler’s Three. Moe, Larry, and Shemp are fiddlers to Ol’ King Cole. The king forbids them from marrying their girlfriends until the Princess is wed. When an evil magician kidnaps the Princess, it’s up to the Stooges to rescue her. Upon revisiting this one, I actually found it better than I remembered. There’s some snappy wordplay and some of the most brutal Stooge violence. (Moe nails a horseshoe onto Shemp’s foot).

In Wham-Bam-Slam!, Moe and Larry try to (unsuccessfully) cure Shemp of a persistent toothache. There’s two great gags involving pancakes. In the first, Shemp mistakes his wife’s powder puff for a pancake and spends a very long and very funny take attempting to chew it. In the other, Larry makes an overly elaborate preparation of his breakfast, adding whipped cream, an entire stick of butter, and mustard to his pancake. 

Larry also gets my favorite line in the short. The boys have set up a tent in the living room, tying it down to the doorknobs. When Larry’s wife opens the door, the tent collapses on them, prompting Larry to exclaim, “Next time you come in, knock first and then don’t come in!”

Wham-Bam-Slam! apes most of its material from Pardon My Clutch, but among the new footage is a pretty good scene where a live lobster falls into Shemp’s foot-bath. Of the three on the VHS, this one is my favorite. Larry and Shemp have great reaction shots, and Moe dolls out some great Stooge slapstick of this period. 

Now don’t get things twisted. These shorts don’t show the Three Stooges firing on all cylinders; they’re not even the best Shemp shorts. But I still recommend you check them out. These were ones I enjoyed watching with my dad, maybe you will enjoy watching them with yours. 

-T.Z. 

ORCA PART II: THE CRAZIEST JAWS RIP-OFF NEVER MADE!

 

After Gilbert Gottfried’s unexpected passing, I went back and re-listened to some of my favorite episodes of his podcast, Gilbert Gottfried’s Amazing Colossal Podcast, including his 2016 interview with director Joe Dante. A must listen for movie fans, it’s required listening for fellow Jaws fanatics. In the interview, Dante talks about his short lived involvement with a potentially bug-f@#ck crazy sequel to 1977’s Orca. 

One of the many gifts Jaws bestowed upon this undeserving world was the creation of a brand new film mode: the Jaws rip-off. Mere months after the film’s release in 1975, this nascent genre exploded across movie screens. Producers and studios attempted to reproduce the Jaws magic by getting kinky with the “formula”. Some kept the shark (like Mako: The Jaws of Death, Great White, Tintorera), others swapped out the Carcharodon carcharias for other surly members of the animal kingdom (Grizzly, Barracuda, Tentacles). 

But the most successful entries were those that forsook pretension for humor and satire; ones that were loud and proud to crib from the Jaws playbook. The Citizen Kane of Jaws clones remains the Joe Dante directed Piranha. (Not coincidentally, Piranha and the equally enjoyable Alligator both come well aided with self-aware, satiric, and slightly meta screenplays from the great John Sayles.) 

Piranha was so popular that Mr. Steven Spielberg himself roundly praised the film as “the best of the Jaws rip-offs”. Spielberg and Dante went on to have a long collaboration on films like Gremlins and Twilight Zone: The Movie. But Piranha would also net Dante the interest of mega-producer Dino De Laurentiis, the man (and cash register) behind another Jaws copy-and-paste, Orca. 

Starring Dumbledore #1, Richard Harris, Orca is a sort of Free Willy story, but featuring buckets more carnage, leg biting, and a truly soul-splintering scene in which the title animal’s mate aborts a whale fetus onto the blood strewn deck of a fishing trawler after succumbing to her violent death throes. Because Orca mistakes itself for Othello and gets bogged down in it’s own self-importance, the movie never truly swims to the finish. 

Despite being only a minor box-office success, this didn’t stop Signor De Laurentiis from dreaming up a potential sequel, Orca Part II. De Laurentiis went for Dante to helm the picture. As Dante explains, after Piranha, he received many offers to direct similarly themed films. But De Laurentiis pitch had to be the most bat-s#$t. 

“Orca is-a crazy! He’s-a-gonna kill everybody!” De Laurentiis said to Dante (colored by the Italian-born producer’s extraordinarily thick accent). In the planned follow-up, the killer whale would take his revenge-seeking from the icy waters of Newfoundland to terra firma itself.  “Orca was going to go on land,” Dante explained, “and kill people and leave seaweed at the scene of the crime.” 

Go ahead and re-read that sentence again. 

Here, I’ll even type it again for you: “Orca was going to go on land and kill people and leave seaweed at the scene of the crime.” 

Dante concluded, “This actually didn’t strike me as a particularly viable idea. I managed to talk him out of it.” 

Ultimately, the killer whale’s land-based crime spree never made the backstroke to celluloid, and Dante would get involved in another aborted Jaws project (National Lampoon’s Jaws 3, People 0). But this writer can’t help but wonder what the butterfly effect might have been had Orca Part II become a reality. Would we have Jaws 5 on Venus? Alligator 3 meets Santa Claus? Maybe the Grizzly follow-up, Grizzly Goes 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, that all those brown bear enthusiasts have long clamored for. 

We’ll allow fan fiction to author those intrepid tales. 

I highly recommend you check out the 2016 Joe Dante episode of Gilbert Gottfried’s Amazing Colossal Podcast (and the podcast in general). If you want to discover more un-produced Jaws projects, then check out John LeMay’s easy-breezy book on the subject, Jaws Unmade: The Lost Sequels, Prequels, Remakes, and Rip-offs.  

-T.Z. 

MOVIE RECOMMENDATIONS - APRIL 2022

IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU (1994) 

A kind-hearted New York City police officer (Nicolas Cage) shares his $4 million lottery winnings with a down-on-her-luck waitress (Bridget Fonda), despite the objections of his money-obsessed wife (Rosie Perez). The police officer and waitress begin a friendship that blossoms into something more.  

A potentially poisonous overdose of schmaltz is averted by the beguiling chemistry between Cage and the underrated Fonda. Cage’s character is as close as he ever got to playing Clark Kent. Rosie Perez gives a terrific Rosie Perez performance playing a character I imagine Rosie Perez would play. Director Andrew Bergman (co-writer of the much more acerbic Blazing Saddles) shows off a deft touch, balancing comedy with character-first moments. A rare romantic comedy that isn’t really about romance, but about people. That makes it stand above the rest. 

STREAMING: HBO Max 

THE OUT OF TOWNERS (1970) 

An Ohio sales executive (Jack Lemmon) travels to New York City with his wife (Sandy Dennis). What they think will be a pleasant getaway to the big city, turns into a succession of nightmare scenarios as everything and everything goes wrong during their trip. 

A rare Neil Simon script written expressly for the screen. Not close to the level of The Goodbye Girl but enough good laughs justify it for existence. Though the story becomes repetitive and Simon fails to create new conflicts to diversify the ongoings, it’s always a hoot to watch Lemmon loose his cool in high pressure predicaments. An on-brand quirky performance from Dennis is equally enjoyable. Worth a watch for the views of 70s NYC alone. If you like Planes, Trains and Automobiles, this once’s cut from similar cloth (albeit, less high quality cloth). 

AVAILABLE TO RENT: Amazon Prime 

ALICE DOESN’T LIVE HERE ANYMORE (1974)  

After the sudden death of her husband, Alice (Ellen Burstyn) hits the road with her bratty son (Alfred Lutter III) to pursue her lifelong dream of becoming a singer. Along the way, she falls first for a violent, small town adulterer (Harvey Keitel) and then a divorced local rancher (Kris Kristofferson), who tries to win her jaded heart. Eventually, Alice winds up among the colorful characters at Mel’s Diner. 

Scorsese shows his skillful hand extends beyond gangsters, F-bombs, and shine boxes. Burstyn’s Oscar winning performance perfectly balances the jocular with the tragic. Kristofferson shows he was much more than the guy who trained Blade to hunt vampires, and Keitel casts a savage shadow. Scorsese’s best themes concern the ruinous pursuit of the American Dream. He removes this theme from his usual canvas, the mean streets, and spreads it across the dusty Southwest roads and small towns of this film. The result is the most underrated and relatable of Scorsese flicks. 

STREAMING: HBO Max

PENNIES FROM HEAVEN (1981)

During the Great Depression, a sheet music salesman (Steve Martin) cheats on his repressed wife (Jessica Harper) with a mild-mannered schoolteacher (Bernadette Peters), while escaping reality through the music he loves. In fantasy sequences, characters lip synch to popular songs of the 1920s-1930s and live out dance numbers reminiscent of era musical films. 

One of the most original movies I’ve ever seen. So unique that words cannot properly capture it. Dennis Potter’s brilliant script sets up expectations that then spin into a wildly dark arena, subversively countering both your presumptions and the genre it is homaging. Layering the naive innocence of the 20s/30s pop songs against the harsh cruelty of the Great Depression is an inspired and enormously effective juxtaposition. A serious Steve Martin is nearly as good as a funny one, being likable amidst dislikable behavior. Peters’ devolution from mousy schoolmarm to dirty trollop is honest, mesmerizing, and devastating. Harper draws humor and pity from sexual repression. But when Christopher Walken kicks up his heels in a spellbinding dance number, he steals the show. 

STREAMING: HBO Max

FREE WILLY 2: THE ADVENTURE HOME (1995)  

After an oil spill traps Willy the whale and his family in a cove, Jesse (Jason James Richter) and his friends and family, including long lost half-brother Elvis (Francis Capra), race against time to rescue the whales. 

One of two movies I was not allowed to watch as a kid (the other: Batman Returns). And I’m not sure why. Though not as effective as its predecessor, the film manages to rise about kid movie junk by continuing to parallel the familial struggles of Jesse and his aquatic pal. The last chance to see (most) of the original cast together again, including Michael Madsen (who I continue to forget is in these movies). Companionable and breezy, The Adventure Home is a perfect dose of nostalgia for those in need of some.  

STREAMING: HBO Max 

-T.Z. 

BOOK RECOMMENDATIONS - APRIL 2022 - (MOVIE/SHOWBIZ BOOKS)

 Mosey on over to the film/TV section at your local Barnes & Noble and be deluged by the plethora of biographies, reference books, and histories. Deciding where to begin might seem like a daunting task. But never fear dear readers! I’ve read many of them for you and compiled a list of some favorites that I’m recommending. A few are newer selections, others have been out for several years.

THE COMEDIANS: DRUNKS, THIEVES, SCOUNDRELS AND THE HISTORY OF AMERICAN COMEDY (2015) by Kliph Nesteroff

Here’s one hell of a fun read. Kliph Nesteroff was a stand-up comedian himself before becoming the premiere historian on American comedy. Armed with interviews conducted with over 200 comedians— the well known, the unknown, and the never known —- and copious research from old Variety trade papers, Nesteroff gifts us a highly entertaining, relaxed, and straightforward account of comedy and showbiz, as told by the comedians themselves. 

Structured in chronological order, the book begins in vaudeville then traces comedy’s progression across radio, nightclubs, Las Vegas, comedy clubs, sitcoms and the New Millennium. Engrossing showbiz stories abound on page after page, many completely unheard of until Nesteroff unearthed them. Anecdotes range from the heartbreaking (the unexpected death of Harry Einstein, father of Albert Brooks and Bob Einstein, which occurred live on radio); to the horrific (mobsters savagely mutilating comedian Joe E. Lewis); to the humorous (Milton Berle’s ginormous schlong). Open to any chapter of The Comedians and absolutely loose yourself in the wonderful tales of classic show business.   

PICTURES AT A REVOLUTION: FIVE MOVIES AND THE BIRTH OF NEW HOLLYWOOD (2008) by Mark Harris 

This is one of the best books I’ve ever read. From the pen of former Entertainment Weekly columnist and editor Mark Harris, this tome is essential reading for any movie buff. Pictures at a Revolution explores the making of the five nominees for the Best Picture Academy Award in 1968 — Bonnie and Clyde, In the Heat of the Night, The Graduate, Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner, and Doctor Dolittle. The book masterfully traces the development, casting, production, and tribulations of each project. Harris adroitly weaves in and out, deftly stitching every strand into a captivating tapestry. 

With the skill of a superior novelist, Harris brilliantly places these films into the larger context of American society at the time. In the late 1960s, seismic social and cultural upheavals throughout the country were reflected in an equally transmutative time in Hollywood. While the old studio system was still churning out escapist musicals and frivolous Doris Day flicks, audiences turned to the more socially relevant films being imported from France. The French films of Godard and Truffaut better captured the essence of the moment with more truth than the pablum produced in Hollywood. The country had changed and so too did its tastes— and old Hollywood was not prepared for the cinematic revolution that came pounding on their studio gates. Harris powerfully captures this tectonic clash between the old guard of Hollywood and the young upstarts (Warren Barren, Dustin Hoffman, Mike Nichols, and many others) who would become the new generation of New Hollywood. 

This is an absolutely enthralling piece of work that I can’t recommend highly enough. 

THE JAWS LOG (1975; Expanded Edition, 2005) by Carl Gottlieb

Richard Dreyfuss initially turned down Jaws because he knew that “it’s going to be a bitch to shoot”. How right he was. Between the deleterious effects of filming on the ocean, to the many technical problems, to the studio’s lack of confidence in the young director (some guy named Spielberg), the production of Jaws was a nightmare. The term “the shark is not working” has nearly entered pop culture ubiquity as much as “you’re gonna need a bigger boat” has. Likely, you’ve heard these true legends secondhand. 

The Jaws Log is a first-hand account of the events from a man who not only co-wrote the screenplay, but who was on-hand for it all. Gottlieb was a comedy writer, tapped to add humor to the Jaws screenplay and ended up staying on set for the entire shoot, reworking scenes on the fly. Gottlieb’s book, published originally the same year the film was released, provides a vivid recounting of everything and anything that went horribly, horribly wrong. The Expanded Edition, celebrating the book and film’s 30th anniversaries, adds much appreciated bonus footnotes, providing additional hindsights and postmortems. Gottlieb’s book is a vital (and often hilarious) account of a troublesome production that yielded one of the greatest films ever. 

UNIVERSAL STUDIOS MONSTERS: A LEGACY OF HORROR (2021) by Michael Mallory 

This is the second post I’ve made recommending this book because I love it so much. Due to the beautiful black & white photography and the elegant way in which the book is put together, Universal Studios Monsters could unjustly be relegated to the stack of other glossy hardcovers on your coffee table. But it’s too good for that fate. Michael Mallory has written one of the best reference books I’ve ever read. It covers everything from Bela Lugosi to The Invisible Man’s Revenge to the founding of Universal Studios. A mix of summary, history, and analysis, I learned a lot about one of my favorite subjects and is a must-read for monster fans. 

RAISED EYEBROWS: MY YEARS INSIDE GROUCHO’S HOUSE (2015) by Steve Stoliar 

The better a book is, the faster I finish it. I read all of Raised Eyebrows in a single day. It was one of the most fascinating page-turners; a book I quite literally couldn’t tear myself away from. 

Author Steve Stoliar had an experience that every Marx Brothers fan (myself included)  would kill for: while a student at UCLA, Stoliar became an archivist and personal secretary to comedian Groucho Marx himself. This was a tough time in Groucho’s life. While he experienced a latter day surge in popularity thanks to younger generations discovering his films, a series of strokes blunted his once razor-sharp wit and left him increasingly frail. Complicating matters was his tumultuous relationship with a much younger woman named Erin Fleming, a controversial and complicated figure for Marx fans. Some praised her for renewing public interest in Groucho, boosting the elderly man’s ego, and reviving his popularity. Others saw her as a manipulator, who leeched off his fame, while allegedly abusing him physically and mentally. This culminated with a high profile legal showdown between Fleming and Groucho’s children over his conservatorship.  

Dancing in and around the Fleming drama are much happier stories about Stoliar’s growing relationship with the man he idolized, the colorful house-staff populating Groucho’s home, and the many visits from old friends like George Burns, Jack Benny, Mae West, and Elliot Gould. I particularly liked reading about Groucho’s dinners with his two surviving brothers, the much-less written about Zeppo and Gummo. And Stoliar was there for it all inside Groucho’s house, witnesses both Groucho’s deterioration and the remaining sparks of his legendary wit. Raised Eyebrows is not a trash-bag tell-all but a loving and bittersweet tribute by Stoliar, who loved and adored Groucho — as many of us still do. 

-T.Z.